Deep Listening

A conversation btw Oprah and the Monk Nhat Hanh. I found this piece to be particularly full of wisdom. I love it. I use to always want to jump in and give advice or my opinion, but I learned that sometimes just being there and listening to what others have to say is better than giving advice. This past month really helped me see how important deep listening is and I choose to now exercise it with people I truly love and care about.

Nhat Hanh: Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him to correct his perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don't interrupt. You don't argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help him to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing.

Oprah: I love this idea of deep listening, because often when someone comes to you and wants to vent, it's so tempting to start giving advice. But if you allow the person just to let the feelings out, and then at another time come back with advice or comments, that person would experience a deeper healing. That's what you're saying.

Nhat Hanh: Yes. Deep listening helps us to recognize the existence of wrong perceptions in the other person and wrong perceptions in us. The other person has wrong perceptions about himself and about us. And we have wrong perceptions about ourselves and the other person. And that is the foundation for violence and conflict and war. The terrorists, they have the wrong perception. They believe that the other group is trying to destroy them as a religion, as a civilization. So they want to abolish us, to kill us before we can kill them. And the antiterrorist may think very much the same way—that these are terrorists and they are trying to eliminate us, so we have to eliminate them first. Both sides are motivated by fear, by anger, and by wrong perception. But wrong perceptions cannot be removed by guns and bombs. They should be removed by deep listening, compassionate listening, and loving space.

Trust

"Trust is the confidence in the integrity of a person to act in a particular way. Forgiveness is past oriented while trust is present and future focused. Forgiveness is about letting go while trust is about holding on. Forgiveness is something undeserved; trust is something earned"

Conscience

Polished skills + No Conscience = Disaster

The shaping of ones conscience, (AL NAFS in arabic) begins at a very young age. I remember seeing how my fathers conscience would make him overcome his pride and humble himself in situations that were difficult. Observing how his conscience guided his behavior had a really big influence on me and how I dealt with things.

From him I learned my moral code that governed and influenced my conscience. I learned how to act "moral" and how to "do the right thing" from seeing how my father dealt with things and people and so from ma daddy I learned that its extremely important to have a healthy moral enforcer that will tell you when your behaving out of line.

I am human, and the slippage occurs. I ,at times, ( and still do from time to time) contradict my "moral Code" and hurt myself as well as others. However, I have always had that "code enforcer" and therefore knew, was very aware, and still am, of every immoral thing I do and say.(And when I say "immoral" I strictly mean this from a social/religious standard of ethical and non ethical behaviors)My conscience is ever present and very self- NOTIFYING, I could say, when I start to BS.

Its also important to know the moral code of a dating partner and friend. A persons values, morals and how they handle difficult people, strangers, being angry and money tell you a lot about their conscience. A consistent and healthy self- monitoring conscience is a MUST. A partner/friend with a healthy conscience will admit to mistakes, apologize when necessary, avoid immoral behavior and uphold honorable standards of character. Avoid people who don't have a conscience or don't act on their conscience because thats a quick call to disaster.

random

Often times I get caught up in a mix of emotions which come from the result of a certain loss, whether it be a significant other I truly cared about or an individual I considered a really good friend.

I have made mistakes and perhaps have done some stupid things. Most of the negative things I have done in the past or continue to do are always unintentional and mostly a defense mechanism. But, I have learned through my experiences that although hurting people hurt others, its still no excuse and I should consciously be aware of the things I say, how I say them and how they are perceived by people I truly care about. I have loved and lost, but who hasnt?

I live and learn, make mistakes and attempt to correct them. I will never shy away or be too proud to apologize to people who deserve to be apologized to.

....cus you live and you learn from every burn and every kick.

All I know is I need to continue to work on the things I need to work on... which include empowering my mind, soul and spirit and taking myself away from any negative situation, place or person without hurting anyone in the process.

Violence against Women

According to the Canadian W omen's Foundation, statistics show that violence against women is a very serious issue in Canada:

* Half of Canadian women (51%) have experienced at least one incident of physical or sexual violence since the age of 16.
* Every minute of every day, a Canadian woman or child is being sexually assaulted.
* One to two women are murdered by a current or former partner each week in Canada.
* Spousal violence makes up the single largest category of convictions involving violent of fences in non-specialized adult courts in Canada over the five-year period 1997/98 to 2001/02. Over 90% of offenders were male.
* Thirty-six percent of female victims of spousal violence and less than 10% of victims of sexual assault reported these crimes to the police in 2004.
* Violence against women occurs across all ethnic, racial, religious, age, social and economic groups.
* In 2004, twice as many women than men were beaten by their partners and four times as many were choked.
* Of the almost 34,000 victims of spousal violence reported in 2000, women accounted for the majority of victims (85%): a total of 28,633 victims.
* Women are three times more likely than men to be physically injured by spousal violence and five times more likely to require medical attention.
* Women are five times more likely to fear for their lives as a result of spousal violence: the violence or threat of violence was so severe that 38% of women feared for their lives compared with 7% of men.
* Every year in Canada, up to 360,000 children are exposed to domestic violence.For children who are exposed to violence, consequences can include emotional trauma, depression, injury and permanent disability, as well as other physical, psychological and behavioral problems that can extend into adolescence and adulthood.
* 58,486 women and 36,840 children sought refuge in one of 473 shelters across Canada between April 1, 2003 and March 31, 2004.

These statistics highlight the need for social programs and services to address and help eliminate violence against women.The Barbra Schlifer Commemorative Clinic provides free legal, counseling and cultural interpretation services for survivors of violence and has provided these services to over 35,000 women.

How can you help?
By Volunteering or Donating
Call 416-323-9149

Be indifferent to the Impermanent

Don’t latch on to things because most things are impermanent. A lot of us tend to cling to material things because those material things make us feel better about ourselves. Unfortunately this addiction to materialism becomes a way of life. More so then not, these things become more important to us then having valuable friendships and meaningful relationships. We start to value individuals who will bring us closer to our material needs, whether it is a man who will “take care of” and “shower” a woman with the Fendi, Prada and Gucci or whether it be a “New friend” who will get us into all the VIP parties and latest events. It s about time we evaluate our relationships and value things that are permanent such as love, real love, and true friendship.

Love/hate relationships...it couldntv bin said better

This is probably the most interesting theory I have found about relationships. I think Mr. Tolle beautifully pinpoints the root of the problem in a wide range of relationships, and I could definitely relate. His analysis isn't solely based on relationships between male and female ( from my perspective) it also covers the wide dysfunction that often occurs in family relationships and friendships. I recommend you read this piece with an open mind free from any form of bias and truly attempt to understand the essence of his message.

"It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long. Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch. This is considered normal. The relationship then oscillates for a while, a few months or a few years, between the polarities of “love” and hate, and it gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain. It is not uncommon for couples to become addicted to those cycles. Their drama makes them feel alive. When a balance between the positive/negative polarities is lost and the negative, destructive cycles occur with increasing frequency and intensity, which tends to happen sooner or later, then it will not be long before the relationship finally collapses.

It may appear that if you could only eliminate the negative or destructive cycles, then all would be well and the relationship would flower beautifully ― but alas, this is not possible. The polarities are mutually interdependent. You cannot have one without the other. The positive already contains within itself the as yet unmanifested negative. Both are in fact different aspects of the same dysfunction. I am speaking here of what is commonly called romantic relationships ― not of true love, which has no opposite because it arises from beyond the mind. Love as a continuous state is as yet very rare ― as rare as conscious human beings. Brief and elusive glimpses of love, however, are possible whenever there is a gap in the stream of mind.

The negative side of a relationship is, of course, more easily recognizable as dysfunctional than the positive one. And it is also easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner than to see it in yourself. It can manifest in many forms: possessiveness, jealousy, control, withdrawal and unspoken resentment, the need to be right, insensitivity and self-absorption, emotional demands and manipulation, the urge to argue, criticize, judge, blame, or attack, anger, unconscious revenge for past pain inflicted by a parent, rage and physical violence.

On the positive side, you are “in love” with your partner. This is at first a deeply satisfying state. You feel intensely alive. Your existence has suddenly become meaningful because someone needs you, wants you, and makes you feel special, and you do the same for him or her. When you are together, you feel whole. The feeling can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.

However, you may also have noticed that there is a neediness and a clinging quality to that intensity. You become addicted to the other person. He or she acts on you like a drug. You are on a high when the drug is available, but even the possibility or the thought that he or she might no longer be there for you can lead to jealousy, possessiveness, attempts at manipulation through emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing ― fear of loss. If the other person does leave you, this can give rise to the most intense hostility or the most profound grief and despair. In an instant, loving tenderness can turn into a savage attack or dreadful grief. Where is the love now? Can love change into its opposite in an instant? Was it love in the first place, or just an addictive grasping and clinging?"

BAMMMMMMMMMMMM